Eeee!!

Context at 11.

These past few weeks have taught me that I am nothing but expendable.

You know, it's a pattern I've realized. They could be monks. Not a single relationship for years before, then I come by, and once we're done BAM. Five seconds after we're through (more like a week to a month) they're either with someone else or hooking up with someone else or "talking to" someone else and I'm...well, unappealing to most, at this juncture.

I should go into business. "I can fix you." And it becomes bullshit, because I then rush into the arms of the nearest person who shows interest in me regardless of whether it's a good idea or not because goddamn it, at least someone is, you know?

Well, the pattern ends now.

Summer has been, well...summer, hence my lack of posting. How many "I worked today and then hung out blah blah" posts can you read before they get boring?

So I worked today, I've been home alone since Friday with the dog, it's pretty neat I suppose.

Today SUCKED in terms of money at work, I made 30 dollars (when I usually make 50 or 60) but as I skulked out into the mall parking lot, I found a 100 dollar bill lying on the ground, so holy crap that was awesome!

I leave work next thursday, then a week later I'm back at school!

Couldn't come soon enough.

Zzzz

I am always tired. ALWAYS.

Follow up:

I visited DJ today.

Is it blasphemy to curse in a cemetery, especially a catholic one? I wasn't cursing at him or even near his er...wall. I was walking to the mausoleum and saw a deer just come out of nowhere and cried out "holy shit!".

Luckily I was the only mourner there today.

Anyway, we had a lovely chat, rather one sided. I lit a candle for him (well, it was electric.) and I went on my way. Only a few tears were shed and I promised him that I would visit again before I went back to college.

It's weird to see him be called David, really weird. OK, it's weird to see him have a grave to begin with.

It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Oh lord, I'm doing a survey.

Name and middle name?
Catherine Elizabeth. Which yields the "adorable" nickname "Catie-Beth" when you're young.

What holiday is your birthday closest to?
Mother's Day, sometimes it falls on it.



Favorite flavored Pie?
Pumpkin.



Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they dont?
That really depends, if they swear up and down that they will call and then don't, then they can go fuck themselves, if they say " maybe I will call you" then whatever.


Are you allergic to anything?
Ceyclore (I don't even think that's the right spelling) which is some medicine derived from penicillin. And Something In The Forest.



Is there something special you want for Christmas?
Seeing as it's July, I got time to decide that that is.





When was the last time you went swimming?
Two weeks ago.



Do you like cheesecake?
Fuck yeah, especially cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.



What states have you lived in?
One, just NJ.



Have you traveled outside the country?
Yep, to six other ones.




Do you keep a planner or calendar with daily events?
I really try, but I really suck at it.




Does anyone like you?
I have a hunch.


Do you have any strange pets?
I used to own a turtle, now I just have a dog.

What is your dream car?
Mercedes convertible, 1957, black.



What did you do today?
Chillaxed.

Are you bipolar?
Funny you should mention that, a few doctors think I am, not serious bipolar but that one where it's not as bad. I almost went on lithium, good times.


What is the main ringtone on your cell?
Always There- Caitlyn Hessel.



When is the last time you were hugged?
...not by relatives or Phil? Beau's graduation party maybe? I don't remember if I was hugged then.




Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
No.



Have you ever bungee jumped?
Fuck no.



Have you ever been white water rafting?
Kind of! i went white water tubing and it rocked until I became aware that there were living things in the water with me that weren't human.



Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
HAH. Yes.



Are you a cavity free kid?
Lord no.




Are you an extreme racist?
Not at all. I'm not even an unextreme racist.



What song are you listening to right now?
Don't Wake Me Up- The Hush Sound



What is your favorite song at the moment?
I have a few, but I recently (by that I mean today) totally got into Eliot by Sarah Slean




What was the last movie you watched?
Casanova...I have a thing for period pieces these days.




Where was the last house you went besides your house?
Phil's.




Have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?
No, I'm not that crazy.


Have you ever been punched?
Not seriously.



Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hands, followed shortly by eyes.



Can you open a beer bottle with a body part other than your hand?
I don't drink beer.



Say something totally random about yourself?
I have freckles!





Do you have an mp3 player?
Ipod touch, yo.





Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
An overwhelming amount of people are convinced that I look like Catherine Keener.


Do you have freckles?
Haha, yes, an abundance.




Are you comfortable with your height?
Most of the time, but sometimes when I can't reach things at work it's embarrassing.




Do you love someone?
That's a complicated question. So I'll just say "yes."





How tall are you?
5'2 and a quarter.



Do you speak any other language other than English?
Not really, but I'm finding out that I vaguely understand Spanish.



Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
You could say that.



Do you watch MTV?
Not really.


What is something that really annoys you?
People with an over-inflated sense of self.



Have you talked with your parents about the birds and the bees?
Oh lord.


When is the last time you had professional pictures taken?
A few years ago. My mother got it in her head that fancy pictures of me and my brother would be an awesome Christmas present for my grandma.



Do you have a crush on someone?
Eh, that's a bit high school. But when I hear those ridiculous love songs on the radio, a person comes to mind, yes.




Do you drive when you go on long trips?
Eh. I drove once or twice, but no more.




Whats the latest you have ever stayed out?
That depends, at home the latest I've ever some home where I didn't sleep over was about 3am, at school the latest I've gotten back to my dorm where I didn't spend the night elsewhere was 5am. (Oh grass people..)




Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
No, but I did once burst into tears when I went for a procedure that required being put under because I was worried that I wouldn't wake up.



Anyone on your mind right now?
Geez, what is with you people?





What color is your hair?
Mousy Hungarian brown.





What did you do last night?
Cooked dinner for my parents, made chocolate covered strawberries, and went to bed early.

Random musings:

The following are random thoughts I am having today that have no actually bearing on each other or anything in general:


I could really go for some rainbow laces, these are not shoelaces, they are a type of candy that is delicious. I found the absolute best rainbow laces down in LBI, I wound them into bracelets before eating them. I could really go for them right now, I usually only have them in the spring and summer but I am totally stocking up on them for when I go back to school.

Everyone I hang out with lives at least a half an hour away. I find this interesting because when I started the summer I was convinced that I wouldn't get to see any of my college friends. Now, if I see or hang out with anyone, it's them. The people I know in town might as well be ghosts to me. This isn't complaining more as it is an observation.

The Shawshank Redemption is still an amazing movie.

I wish I hated him. Life would be so much easier if I could just hate him. Once again, not complaining, just stating an observation.

Work in three hours. Hopefully it's not too busy, I still haven't gotten the hang of serving more than three tables. (Not like I have more than four to a section!)

Summer is nice and all, but all in all I am really looking forward to going back to school.

This is actually the first time I'm really letting myself talk about this.

Out of everything I've done in the course of my rather semi-interesting existence thus far, and I've done some morally ambiguous things that are (incredibly) worthy of regret upon graduating high school, I admit. Things that if I ever sat down and spun the entire yarn to one person, one friend, I don't think they would ever look at me in the same way again really. I've done weird stuff and I've been upset and blah blah blah insert emo here i suppose. But I truly and fully only regret one thing.

I regret not visiting DJ before he died.

I find myself talking to him when no one else is around. While I'm driving to work, when I'm getting ready to go somewhere. I talk to him. I cry when I hear a song from a band that he recommended. Pink Floyd too, we watched the Wall together what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Why didn't we talk? Why did I leave, why did I leave and never speak to him again until it was too late?


And now I talk to him all the time. It's been how long? Six months now? And I talk to him.

This town reminds me of him.

101.2 fevers are nooooot my friend.

I hate being sick!

Hey! I have a blog!

Summer's fine, I have a job waitressing at Johnny' Rocket's in the Freehold Mall..it's June.


Blah blah something more substantial later I promise.

Posting from work

I sincerely can't wait until school is over for the summer so that I can actually relax and post my thoughts in here coherantly. Right now it's very 'oh snap, so busy I swear I'll post something here soon!' but yeah, probably not until all the summer comes will I actually be able to catch my breath long enough to say something of meaning here.

Pretty lame, huh?

So after May 13th (which is my birthday!) I will have stuff of value to say.

In which I finally make a new entry

It's not like I don't intend to write anything here. It's just that I'm so goddamn busy with finals, which, as a filmmaker, start about a month before anyone else.

I'm filming today and I'm incredibly nervous.

That's about it, I'm afraid.

Well, that's start this thing,shall we?

I suck at starting things.

Suck more at finishing them, actually. However, I'm a huge fan of journals. I had a bunch of paper ones as a child, and not a single one of them would be filled before I would move on to the next. It was like I was more in love with starting something than actually having it.

I do the same with online journals, livejournal, xanga, fuck, I had an opendiary and a deadjournal for a while too. The funny thing about it is that I moved to LJ because no one I knew was reading my thoughts. Oh my, how could I ever get them down without knowing that someone was going to read them? Now I'm moving here because it would be nice to know that no one knows who I am. I mean, yeah, I sign my name, but who will look for me here?

It just gets a little sad when you start tailoring your own thoughts because of the people who read your journal. At first it might not be like that, but then you start writing for them and not yourself.

Just a thought I suppose.

Next entry I'll explain the meaning behind the whole "papillion" thing. I promise that it's delightfully pretentious.